Mr Torgue's MOTHERFCKING excellent adventure
by Lord Michael Blackburn
Summary: when boredom sets in, as does excessive testosterone, you find yourself making a story with mr. torgue (the best character in borderlands)(ever). i have only 1 question: EXPLOSSIONS? rated M for mr. torgue and EXCESSIVE TORGUE CAPS LOCK.
1. Chapter 1

Story: mr. torgue's MOTHERF*CKING excellent adventure

By: trixielicous

And helped with the help of:

lord Michael Blackburn

A/N: this story was made in a group at midnight. It's not bad for such a feat. This story is typed mostly by tirxielicous or however he spells it. too tired to spell it right. I fear this story may be removed as mr. torgue speaks in all caps MOST OF THE MOTHERF*CKING TIME.

Hopefully isn't as stupid as they used to be.

Chapter 1: MOTHERF*CKING SEE YA!

Mr. torgue woke up from his nap; he had slept for 42 hours straight after a bacon flavored beer cookie float he got from his space truck's glove box. God knows how long it was there. He snapped straight up; he hadn't done something badass in about 30 minutes or less. It was time to change that as he began yelling at his laptop:

"HI I'M . SO PONIES? THAT'S *BEEPING* AWESOME. MORE AWESOME THAN MY  
MOTHER*BEEP*ING SPACE THE *BEEP* AM I BEEPING!? I WILL TAKE THIS CENSORING SYSTEM, RIP OFF IT'S HEAD, AND *BEEP* DOWN ITS ANYWAYS I WROTE THE BEST BEEPING FANFIC EVAR. YOU KNOW WHAT BEEP THOUGH!? I'M GONNA BECOME A PONY  
THROUGH THE POWER OF TESTOSTERONE AND NEWu BECAUSE *BEEP* YOU THAT'S WHY.

WHY THE *BEEP*? AM I BEEING BEEPED? THIS IS SOME WEAK *BEEPING* SHIT.

He smashed his modem and found things to be substanuly better as he began to cuss out his laptop yet again in a crazed voice.

SO I GOT INOT THIS MOTHERF*CKING WORLD CALLED EQUESTRIA, RIGHT? SO I WAS FLIPPING F*CKING SHIT THAT IT WAS ALL TECHICOLOR AND SHIT. IT WAS BADASS! SO F*CKING BADASS I RENAMED THE PLANET MR' TORGUE'S BADASS LAND OF MOTHERF*CKING PONIES!

SO I FOUND THIS F***ING PINK PONY AND SHE WAS SPAZTIC ALL TO S**T. SHE TRIED  
TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME, BUT THAT WAS SO UN-TESTOSTERONE. BUT ANYWAYS SHE ASKED ME TO DELIVER THIS MOTHERF**KING CAKE TO THESE P*SSIES CALLED THE CAKES. SO I GOT IN MY BACON FUELED MONSTER TRUCK AND CRASHED INTO THE SIDE OF THEIR F**KING SHOP. AND  
HOLY FU**KING HORSE SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME.

I DELIVERED THEIR F**KING CAKE, BUT I DECIDED IT NEEDED MORE EXPLOSIONS. AND AFTER I  
GOT DONE WITH MY ROCKET LAUNCHER GUITAR SOLO, I ELIMINATED A WHOLE F**KING CITY  
I TESTOSTERONED INTO THE SKY AND MET THIS F**KING RAINOW DUDE. I DECIDED  
THAT RAINBOW DUDE WASN'T RADICAL ENOUGH, SO I LOADED THAT BI**H INTO MY  
LAUNCHER AND MADE TECHNICOLOR EXPLOSIONS. YOU SHOULD HAVE THE TEARS ON THIS  
F**KING ORANGE CHICKEN.

SO THEN I GOT HUNGRY AND PUNTED A RABBIT WHICH MADE IT EXPLODE. I TOOK THE F**KING  
CHARRED REMAINS AND MAKE IT INTO A SANDWICH. THEN THIS MOTHERF**KING YELLOW  
THING IS CRYING, SO I OFFERED SOME OF MY RABBIT WOULDN'T CHEW SO I  
F**KING FORCED IT DOWN HER THROAT. SHE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TESTOSTERONE AND  
EXPLODED! I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE F**K WAS HAPPENING, BUT MAN THAT EXPLOSION  
WAS COOL!

BUY TORGUE NOW!

SO THEN I RIPPED SO OWL'S HEAD OFF, MADE HIM INTO A PAIR OF BOOTS, AND ATE THE REST OF THAT B*TCH…WELL I THINK I GOT FOOD POISONING OR GOT TOO EXCITED, 'CAUSE I JUST STARTED SH*TING EVERYWHERE. THEN THE PURE TESTOSTERONE OF MY SH*T MADE THIS FU**ING PURPLE HAIRED B*TCH I TRIED THAT F**KING CPR BULLS*IT, BUT SHE COULDN'T HANDLE THE GIRTH OF MY ROCKET THERE'S UNICORN BITS EVERYWHERE.

IT'S JUST A BIG F**KING BADASS MESS.

AT THIS POINT ALL THE PONIES ARE RUNNING AWAY LIKE F**KING P*SSIES. EXCEPT  
FOR THIS ORANGE SCOOTER TALKING B*TCH. THEN SHE DOES SOME STUPID FU**ING SH*T  
AND CHALLENGES ME TO AN APPLE EATING CONTEST. WELL MR. TORGUE'S STOMACH AIN'T  
WHAT IT USED TO BE, SO I STARTED TO VOMIT. BUT YEARS AGO I HAD ZED MAKE IT WHERE ALL  
MY WASTE WAS TRANSFORMED INTO EXPLOSIONS WENT OFF EVERYWHERE  
BLOWING UP THAT STUPID F**KING GAY REDNECK BREWERY.

BY THIS TIME I GOTTA TAKE A S*IT AGAIN, SO I GO TO THIS TREE AND FIND A DRAGON  
ATTACKING A SWEET DEFENSELESS HORSEY WITH AN ICE-CREAM CONE STUCK TO ITS HEAD. SO  
I PULL OUT MY ROCKET LAUNCHER GUITAR AND MAKE A RIFF  
(BOWAWOWNANANANANANANAWAHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) SO F**KING SWEET IT  
BLOWS AWAY HALF OF THE LIBRARY. THEN I GOT ON THE LITTLE HORSEY AND SAID "TAKE ME  
TO YOUR LEADER."

SO I GOT TELEPORTED TO THIS AWESOMELY WICKED SKY CASTLE, AND IT WAS F**KING  
AWESOME, BUT WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER WITH MONSTER TRUCKS. POOR HORSEY WAS DEAD  
SO I HONORED HER MEMORY BY STRAPPING 2,000 ROMAN CANDLE TO THE SMALL OWL EVEN THOUGH ITS NOW A PAIR OF F*CKING BOOTS. I  
FOUND AT THE LIBRARY WHILE CHANTING TESTOSTERONE. THE FIREWORKS WERE  
MOTHERF**KING BAD*SS,THEN THIS WHITE B*TCH CAME UP AND SAID "WHY ARE YOU  
ATTACKING MY SUBJECTS?"

TO ANSWER HER I PULLED OFF MY CLOTHES AND REMOTE DETONATED MY TEN  
MEGATON THEN CREATED A BAD*SS CRATER OF BAD*SSITUDE LAUNCHING ME INTO  
AS I WATCHED THE COUNTRYSIDE GO UP IN A F**KING MUSHROOM CLOUD, I  
CRASHED INTO THE SIDE OF A SPACESHIP.

I HAVE NO F*CKING IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON, AND WHY IS A DOUCHEBAG IN N7 ARMOR LOOKING AT ME!?

(TO BE CONTINUED)

(EXPLOSSSSSSSION!)(S)

A/N:

You: what the fuck did I just read?!

Me: a story written by mr. torgue. This is the first story my friend trixe wrote, but he asked me to post it. I helped with the wrting and shit torgue would say. He typed it. I also made some revisons to it.

Each chapter, mr. torgue will visit a new universe and flip shit. Sounds good, right?


	2. MR TORGUE APPROVES THIS EXCREMENT!

A/N: this chapter is a loving tribute to all who were mad at ME3's ending. And explosions.

CHAPTER MOTHERF*CKING 2: TOO MANY N7'S, NOT ENOUGH EXPLOSIONS!

SO, I JUST CAME FROM THIS WORLD FILLED WITH F*CKING PONIES, AND IT WAS PRO-TESTOSTERONE, WELL AFTER I BLEW IT UP IN A BACON-TASTIC EXPLOSION I WAS LAUNCHED INTO SPACE. IT WAS REALLY F*CKING COOL UNTIL I SMACKED MY D*CK INTO THE SIDE OF THIS SPACESHIP THAT LOOKED LIKE A WHALE PENIS.

SO, I'M LOOKING UP INTO THE CARGO BAY OF THIS SHIP, EVERYONE'S FLIPPING SH*T BECAUSE THERE'S A HUGE F*CKING HOLE IN THE SIDE WALL AND I THINK THEY ALSO SAW ME OR SOMETHING, SO THIS GUY IN FAGGOTY BLUE ARMOR OR SOMETHING IS ALL LIKE "C*NTMANDDER SHEPPARD, SOME LONG WORD WITH AN 'A' THAT ISN'T ANAL MARINES. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON MY SHIP?!"

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON, SO I PUNCHED HIM IN HIS D*CK AND MADE TRACKS TO THE ELEVATOR AND STUFF. YEAH…NOW PEOPLE WERE SHOOTING AT ME WITH THESE WIMPY B*TCH PISTOLS…WAIT, B*TCHTOLS! YEAH, I'N PATENTING THAT SH*T WHEN I GET BACK TO MY SPACE TRUCK TO F*CK HOOKERS MADE OF BACON.

WELL, ELEVATORS HAVE TOO MANY BUTTONS, SO I ONLY WENT I FLOOR UP. IT WAS KINDA STUPID, AT LEAST THE UN-BACONMURICA ELEVATOR MUSIC WASN'T AS BAD AS THE STAIR MUSIC WITH SKRILL COSBY AT MALIWAN'S DICK TEEPEE FIESTA. I NEVER WENT THERE, BUT DON'T QUESTION ME!

SO, THIS REPORTER B*TCH WITH NO BACKSTORY OR POINT TRIES TO INTERVIEW ME ON MY ATTACK OF THE 'NORMANDY', BUT I TELL HER I NEVER FOUGHT IN WW2 AND BLEW HER UP WITH MY DOUBLE-SPLOSION AND OH GOD THAT'S A LOT OF STD BLOOD BITS. I THINK I GOT AIDS IN MY MOUTHS, OR MAYBE THAT HOT DOG I HAD EARLIER IS COMING BACK FOR MORE AS A GRENADE.

SO I TURN AROUND AND THIS KENYAN HORSESHOE CRAB IN A RED CYBER HOOKER OUTFIT IS LIKE "YOU FIGHT DA COMMANDER! YO ARE DA REEPAS!" SO I JUST CRUSH HIS HEAD WITH MY F*CKING AMAZING PECS…I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR KENYAN HORSESHOE CRABS! F*CK CRABS!" THEN THIS ONE B*TCH WITH AN ASS IN A TIGHT SUIT RUNS BY YELLING FOR C*NTMUCNHER SHEPPARD OR SOME SHIT, AND JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO TAKE OFF THE FISHBOWL AND SHE HER FACE, F*CKING ENGINEER SCOTT FROM STAR TREK COMES UP AND IS ALL LIKE "I LIKE P*SSY. CAN I RUB THAT IN ENOUGH!? THE ENGINES CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS!1"

AS MUCH AS I LIKED SCOTTY IN GEN 1 STAR TREK (EVEN HIM AS A FAT F*CK IN THE MOVIES) I JUST JAMMED A BUNCH OF CHERRY NUKES UP HIS ASSTICULAR REGION AND TOSSED HIM BACK INTO THE ENGINE ROOM. AS I HEADED BACK INTO THE ELEVATOR, I HEARD A LOUD MOTHERF*CKING EXPLOSION AND GOT A REALLY BIG BONER AS THE SHIP'S SPEAKER VOICE THING WAS ALL LIKE "OHH NOOZZ! SELF DESTRUCT AN STUFF! EVICUATE LIKE NAO!" OR HOWEVER THE FUCK VOICES ON STARSHIPS F*CKING TALK.

WELL, THE F*CKING ELEVATOR YET AGAIN BRINGS ME UP ONLY 1 LEVEL SO I AM GREETED BY A B*TCH FROM THE BLUE GUY BAND WITH CORNROWS WHO THROWS SOME SPARKLY LIGHT AT ME. HOWEVER, MY DICK BLOCKED IT AND I CAME FOR SOME ODD REASON, HOWEVER THAT SURGERY DOC ZED GAVE ME ALSO TURNS MY CUM INTO EXPLOSIONS TOO, SO I F*CKED HER SHIT UP IN A BLAST THAT I CAN COMPARE TO CLAPTRAP AFTER 4 BOWLS OF CHILE. AND NOT THE COUNTRY.

WELL, THIS GUY WHO HAD BROWN BANANNAS ON HIS HEAD RUNS UP AND TRIES TO QUICKSCOPE ME YELLING CALIBRATIONS OR SOMETHING, BUT HE TRIPPED ON MY STILL-STARK TORGUE BONER (TRADEMARKED) AND GOT BLOWN UP BY ITS STILL STUNNING EXPLOSIVE GIRTH. YEAH, TORGUEALIS THE VIAGRA KNOCK-OFF CAN LEAD TO BALL CANCER AFTER A DAY LIKE THIS. JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO WRECK HIS SH*T,I SAW BACON IN THE KITCHEN THAT WAS ABOUT 12 FEET AWAY. SO I GRABBED THAT SH*T AND SNORTED IT WITH A LEAD PIPE BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A STRAW….NOW I HAD A DOSE OF MURICA' IN MY BLOODSTREAM. AND A BIT OF CHINA BECAUSE OF THE LEAD THAT WAS ALSO NOW IN MY BLOODSTREAM.

WELL, THIS FLOOR OF THE SHIP WAS STARTING TO EXPLODE TOO….SO I WENT BACK TO THE ELEVATOR AND WENT 1 MORE LEVEL BUT ACIDENTTLY WENT UP 2…SO I WA SIN A BEDROOM FULL OF FISH, HAMSTERS AND BEDCUFFS WITH SPIKES…NORMALLY I APROVE OF THIS SH*T, BUT IT HAD NO EXPLOSIONS…AND THAT IS VERY, VERY UNTESTOSTERONE. SO, INSTEAD OF USING THE ELEVATOR, I JUST SMASHED A HOEL IN THE FLOOR OF THE ROOM AND DIVED INTO SOME SH*T CALLED THE "CIC". WELL, THIS TAN BITCH WAS LOOKING AT ME FREAKING OUT BECAUSE HER CARMEN ELECTRA PORN WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE. IT WAS VERY F*CKING FUNNY.

THEN THESE 2 WHINY BITCHES YELLING ABOUT GUARDING DOORS AND THE TURIANS START SHOOTING AT ME, AND JUST BEFORE I SMASH THERE SKULLS, I HAD THE URGE TO YELL "THIS IS FOR BURNIE BURNS!" SO THEN THEY EXPLODED AND KNOCKED SOME CRIPPLE AND A SEX BOT DOWN A FLIGHT OF STARIS THE EXPLOSION MADE. WELL, I RAN FOR A SECTION CALLED "ANAL POD" OR SOMETHING, AND KICKED THE 2 WOMEN AND SEVERAL ORPHANS OUT OF IT AS I HIT THE LOCK AND GOT LAUNCHED AWAY FROM THE EXPLOSIDING SHIP. IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL SEEING IT EXPLODE LIKE THE FANS WHO UNKNOWINGLY WENT TO THE SUPER MARIO BROTHERS MOVIE…WELL, I HAD A MOMENT TO MY MOTHERF*CKING SELF, SO I SENT A TEXT MESSAGE TO MY MOTHER, BECAUSE REAL F*CKING MEN LOVE THERE PARENTS!

JUST AS I SENT THE MESSAGE, I GOT JARRED AROUND IN THE POD AS IT SLAMMED INTO THE GROUND. AS I OPENED THE F*CKING HATCH TO RUB MY NOW-SORE ASS, I HAD LANDED ON A GUY IN A SUIT WHO WAS STANDING NEXT TO A SIGN THAT READ: "WELCOME TO MOTHERF*CKING MOONLIGHT BAY, THE PLACE WHERE SIMS GO TO F*CK AND SH*T. WELL, THE SIGN DIDN'T SAY THE "F*CK. OR SH*T. BUT, WHO GIVES A F*CK!? I WASN'T IN SPACE ANYMORE!

A/N: yes. Mr. torgue landed in the sims 3 to f*ck more shit up; not like he cares, just wait until he meets the jews and offers them bacon.

R&R and stuff


End file.
